Give It Up, Turn It Loose.

“If they don’t want ya, you don’t need them…” – “Give It Up Turn It Lose”
-En Vogue

As I was sitting here listening to my music which I often do, I put the song “Give It Up Turn It Loose” by the 90s super group En Vogue and for some reason I was inspired to write. A light bulb went off in my head. While the song is told from the perspective of a girl dealing with a dead end relationship with a two-timing boyfriend, and her girlfriends telling her to move on, I thought of another scenario, toxic friendships, or friendships that simply are not going anywhere.

A few days ago, I found myself in my feelings because my feelings got hurt from somebody I thought truly was a friend. Because of the situation, it had me questioning a lot of my friendships and relationships and putting doubt into my head that was really down for me like they say they are, because as we all know not everyone who say they are in your corner, are truly in your corner.
Quiet as it’s kept, friendships are also relationships that require commitment on each person’s part. There are a lot of friends when push comes to shove are not there for you when you need them to be. When you need them, they are full of excuses, full of defensiveness, and then treat you as if you are the bad guy when you ask for a little bit of their time.
What I realized is that as I was taking inventory of people who I claim to be friends I had to do a mental “purge” or “delete” like on social media. I had to ask myself why I was tripping on this person who has done so little for me? Why was I allowing this energy to affect my day? Then what I came to realize is that there are a few friends that I have to delete. At the end of the day, I had to count my blessings and think of those friends that truly do mean the world to me and are there for me.
You have to give up relationships that bring you down, make you feel less than who you are, and make you question other relationships. The mind is a battlefield and often time negative people and negative energy can dance around in that battlefield making you crazy. As I was thinking about toxic friendships I had to devise a checklist. The checklist is simple.

Is this person truly your friend if (check all that apply):


______ 90 percent of the time, you are the one initiating communication with this other person. Never will you find this person checking in with you. Not even a simple text or phone call. Half the time you are lucky if you even get a call back or response from the text.
______ Your friend makes you out to be the heavy if you ask for some time to hang out. Throws out a laundry list of excuses at you.
______ Never supports or asks about your goals or what you are doing unless its gossip or mess.
______Throws shade at your achievements, goals/aspirations.
______Takes no interest in what you are doing, does not come to events in which you may be spotlighted (again comes up with a laundry list of excuses).
______Constantly insulting you and putting you down, but says, “that’s what friends do…” or “I’m joking...” (Note: there is a difference and teasing the ones you love and joking and full on insults…)
______Feels you are inferior if you are not at their level of life (example: they are married, you are single, or vice versa, you aren’t at on the same financial, social, and cultural status).
______Other people are comfortable going to him/her with mess, gossip, etc about you.
______When the “friend” does initiate communication, its because they need a favor, have a question. It’s never really to see how you are doing.
______Unwilling at all to be inconvenienced or make sacrifices for the sake of friendship. (I.e.: coming to your event or hanging out even though they are tired at times, eating at a restaurant they don’t like, etc).

Did you find yourself checking a majority of those boxes? I did. I put several so called friends up to test, and some failed miserably. They have since been moved to the “associate” pile. Now I will not waste so much energy and time worried about what that friendship means or where that relationship is going, because it’s going nowhere. I also used it for an accountability piece for me as well as sometimes I find myself guilty of the time and excuses issue. Life happens and well get busy, you sometimes lose touch with people, but it’s not a good excuse to just stay in that thinking. If it’s been a while, reach out to those friends who you claim mean so much to you, but if that friend has failed the test repeatedly, wish them well and move on.

“You’ll be fine, take this time to find peace of mind. Sooner or later bad feelings will die. You must be strong, don’t blame it all on love. In time good things will come…” (“Give It Up Turn It Loose” En Vogue)

It’s truly time to “Give It Up and Turn It Lose” purge, delete, and move on.