Your Bark Is Bigger Than Your Bite

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You ever heard people say this, “You have to know how to deal with so and so.” “Tread carefully around so and so. He or she is in a grumpy mood.” Eventually, this is the permanent mantra for this person and they develop this unapproachable, uncompassionate, sour presence. We accept the behavior because we become use to it or adapt to it. The person comes off as intimidating and threatening. We accept it because we do not want to confront it. We begin to walk around on eggshells for the people who give off these negative and funky spirits. It is so not cool.

We deal with these people at work mainly. This is the person that you have to go to their office to have them sign a document, or ask a question and you just dread it because they have the “I can’t be bothered!” attitude. They are never pleasant. You look for any type of way to deal with these people except direct face-to-face contact. They walk around the building with a negative spirit. They are always grouchy, always moody, and act as if their role or position in the company is more important than anyone else. Sound familiar? Their job is to make your job harder; they inconvenience your day to avoid being inconvenienced. The most simple task that only takes a few minutes of their time has now become a big production because they do not have the time or the energy to deal with it, so they make you wait. Do not admit that you made a mistake to the person, because then you will suffer their wrath. Their presence has become so negative that some feel like Dorothy, The Tin Man, Cowardly Lion, and the Scarecrow going to see the Wizard when they have to go these people. The question we have to ask ourselves is why are we afraid of theses types of people? What is it that they can really do to us? A majority of the time they are not even our supervisors or people we directly answer to, so our jobs are not threatened but they are just so unpleasant that we would not want to deal with them.

I think back to a mistake that I made on my last job. I had to tell the person. In hindsight, the incident was really not even my fault but I took ownership of it anyway because it was the mature thing to do. This person was so angry that they came looking for me like a teenager waiting in the parking lot for the person they are waiting to fight after school. This person made threats to me, yelled at me and shouted “It aint over!” Really? This is the type of personality that you are comfortable with? In the end, my supervisor told me not to worry about the madness and the person eventually had to begrudgingly apologize. The sad part is there are a lot of people like this at work. We do not want to call these people, ask questions, or even admit mistakes. The one thing that we and that sour person forgets is that person makes mistakes as well and when they can stand up and say that they have never made a mistake on the job, then they will have every right to gripe and moan about the mistakes that we have made.

Fast-forward to our personal lives. We have friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, and even siblings that have this intimidating spirit. They judge, critique and interject themselves into everything. You make a mistake, and they go off! This is the person that if they do not get want they want, they go off! They take jokes to heart, they take everything personal, but when they are ready to joke, you better laugh or else, however when the shoe is on the other foot, they do not find it funny and get ever so sensitive. We walk around on eggshells for these people because we have found it to be easier. As a result, the negative behaviors go on not being confronted and they continue to think that they are right in their thinking. We have gotten so complacent as a society with negative energy and negative people that we sometimes do not even notice when the negativity affects us or inhibits us. Too many people are given passes for bad behavior and it is it time out for that. If we love someone, we should be able to speak and address the issues they are inflicting on us.
We do not have to take it at work either. I no longer have a problem addressing someone who has an attitude or becomes irritate because I have asked him or her a question or need him or her to do his or her a job. I think back to a person at work that had such a nasty attitude, that I addressed it with him and when he refused to bend, I took it to his superior and needless to say the boss was not happy. In the end the negative Nick was a lot nicer to me. His bark was bigger than his bite, which is often the case with a lot of these people. When they see that you refuse to back down and put up with their crap, they change their attitude around you, but like an attack dog or wild animal, if they smell fear, they will eat you alive. Do not fall prey to their attacks.
It is time out for the negative energy we have allowed for so long to affect our professional and personal growth. Quit being an intimidating and threatening spirit. It is not cool and not professional and that reputation will stay with you for a long time to come. I would never want to be the type of person that you could not come to and share your thoughts or bark when you needed a favor or had a question. Being an intimidating, negative, rude person is nothing to be proud of, but sadly there are a lot of people who are, and there a lot of people that think it is cute to be this way. No, it is actually making you a very ugly and miserable person. Your spirit, your presence walks into the room before you do and that is not a good thing.

Time Will Reveal: The Lone Ranger

For those of you preparing to walk into your season of favor, or are beginning to embark on your journey of pursuing your dreams, harvesting your talents, and taking chances be prepared for God to reveal to you who your real friends are and who they are not. You will have some lonely days and nights. To be able to stand firm in the person you are and to be able to grow, you will discover that some of the people in your inner circle slowly but surely begin to disappear and the strong friendships that you thought you had slowly begin to crack under the pressure. It happened to me.

As I began to make the transition to move from Kansas City to Los Angeles not a lot of people understood my decision. They wanted to know why I wanted to leave everything I knew and go to a foreign land. They did not understand why. Some even told me I was being selfish because I was not thinking of others. Hmm…it is selfish to live your life to the fullest and seek out your dreams? Maybe I need to reread the dictionary to make sure I did not read the definition wrong. I think that it is selfish not to share your dreams and your talents with the rest of the world.

Even after I moved, I began to found out that some of the people who wished me well, were secretly talking behind my back asking what I was doing out in L.A and what I was doing for money, etc. I found that to be a very funny question considering the person asking was not paying any of my bills and was not responsible for my life in any shape, form or fashion. I guess I should not have been too surprised because in hindsight this person who I had thought was so much in my corner rarely asked how I was doing in pursuit of my writing goals, or even when I would talk about the gains I was making in pursuit of those dreams, the person would change the subject or muster only what seemed to be insincere enthusiasm.

“What is Chris doing out there in L.A? He is wasting his time.”


I just found out somebody that I was close to say that about me. To find out that people like this who claim to be your friends, and then do not support or encourage you is disappointing. Then I have to look at it from the aspect of not taking it personally. You cannot take it personal when you have friends, who turn on you or stop calling. The anger or shadiness that your friends and family are projecting towards you is not really about you it is about them. As I have written before, they are doing the safe thing and they are unwilling to step out on faith and take a chance and pursue their dreams and aspirations. They see you taking steps towards living your dream with no limitations and they hate it. I am finding that to be more and more true of some whom I thought had my best interest at heart.
I have even had some people tell me, “Well when you make a million dollars, share some with me.” Are you serious? Number one, I did not get into this for the sole purpose of making money. Having financial security is nice and I hope to achieve that with what I am doing, but being rich and living for material possessions has never been what I have been about. I am more interested in being happy and having a complete life and having a life that inspires others. There are a lot of people out there who have all the money in the world, yet they are miserable and lonely. Money is not everything. Some of your friends and relatives do live solely for safety and security, which is not a bad thing but it is not the only thing. To find out that a good friend was thinking so negatively about me was very disappointing but it just lets me know that I am that much closer to my victory.

“Before you see a new level of God’s favor, don’t be surprised if things come against you to try to discourage you. People may try to talk you out of dreams, to convince you to settle where you are.” – Joel Osteen from his book It’s Your Time.

That is how you know you are close. You begin to get haters and you do begin to lose friendships as I have. That has been a very tough thing for me, as I love having friends and people around me. At times, this journey has been very lonely because you do expect those people who you thought would wish you well to always be there and give you that unconditional love and support, that does not happen. I am grateful for those people who have continued to support me and encourage me. My parents are a wonderful example of that. The birthday card that they recently sent me really lifted me up. There was confirmation all over that card that showed me I was doing the right thing. I will keep that card with me whenever I get discouraged and feel alone. You have to find a muse or something that will keep you encouraged because on this road to your dream, there will be many things that will come up and try to discourage you, a big part of that will be your family and friends.
You will have those friends and family who NEVER ask about what you are doing. When you do step out and reveal some things and share some moments, they just change the subject or go to something else. Remember, you destiny is not tied to them. You do not need them to succeed. Continue to push. You will have some who claim to love you begin to talk behind your back, stop calling you on the phone or refuse to offer the support when you have asked for it repeatedly. Understand, that this is to be expected and as hard as it is, you have to move on from it. Do not marinate on it and let it stop you. For those friends that you lose, God will replace threefold. He will bring into your life friends who will offer you that unconditional understanding, and not just celebrate you during your highs, but will keep you lifted during your lows.

For those friends who like to talk behind people’s backs and offer up discouraging words, understand it will always come out. Your true spirit will always be revealed. It is a lot easier to be an encourager instead of a hater but I will continue to pray for you. This has also been a lesson for me to be a better encourager and supporter of people’s dreams and aspirations and just give a nice “How are you doing today?” It means so much and people will carry it with them much like the card that my parents gave me for my birthday.

Please continue on your journey, it will not always be easy and you will have loss but in the end, that will be a part of your testimony to encourage someone else when you are walking in your victory.

Be Encouraged!

Unsung

Unsung: The Story of Black Music

Did you know that the song “Love’s Train” by the R&B funk band Con Funk Shun was actually the tale of a real life love triangle between the group’s two lead singers Michael Cooper and Felton Pilate and a woman? The Marvelettes garnered the first number one hit for Motown with “Please Mr. Postman.” Donny Hathaway’s life and creativity were tarnished by his battle with paranoid schizophrenia. I am sure many wonder why Atlantic Starr has gone through so many female singers. Whatever happened to teen sensations Stacy Lattisaw and The Sylvers after they grew up? How did Angela Bofill survive two strokes? Who knew that the rough and tough guys of Full Force had produced hits for some of today’s pop megastars such as Brittany Spears and Backstreet Boys? This information is not covered on entertainment shows such as Entertainment Tonight, Extra, and The Insider, but thanks to the network TvOne and their runaway hit show Unsung.

We all know the stories of superstar divas Patti Labelle, Chaka Khan, Tina Turner, Natalie Cole, and Mary J. Blige but what about the forgotten divas Phyllis Hyman, Melba Moore, Evelyn King and Miki Howard? Why is it that these soulful ladies never achieved crossover success?

Thanks to Unsung, we have those answers. Fans now know what cut the careers of The DeBarge family short as we saw their very personal battle with drug abuse and how they are still dealing with the after affects of the physical and sexual abuse they suffered at the hands of their father. We always wondered why Rene & Angela broke up, and like Rene & Angela we wondered if Cherelle and Alexander O’Neal, Marvin Gaye and Tami Terrell were a real life couple because of their undeniable chemistry and stage presence. We were inspired by Winbush’s story of battling stage four ovarian cancer and how she beat the illness and is now sharing her testimony across the nation. Yet despite being a prolific songwriter and artist, crossover success has continued to allude her.

The television show puts back in focus the otherwise forgotten artist of R&B, funk, soul, gospel and hip-hop and shares their often tragic and sometimes motivating stories of survival and triumph. Usually, the subjects of the documentary are often music acts whose careers were cut short due to changing musical taste, personal demons, tragedy, illness, and infighting within the groups or bands or because their voices or commodity was dubbed too soulful and lacked crossover appeal for record labels to get them to superstardom. The show is really unique because it gives a lot of these artists a spotlight to share their stories whereas a lot of other networks would consider these acts washed up, yesterday’s news or simply just not relevant enough to give attention to. Where else can you get the stories of Minnie Riperton the singer with the seven octave range that influenced Mariah Carey’s upper register? Riperton’s light was dimmed too soon by breast cancer. The bands Klymaxx and Con Funk Shun, both family and friend units united by a dream and togetherness then ripped apart by fame, greed, and infighting. The dominating theme of the show is that a lot of the artists contributions to not just black music but American music been all but ignored by the mainstream.

The show is similar to VH1’s Behind The Music in that goes inside the life of an artist, band or duo. Yet unlike Behind The Music; the artist on Unsung did not reach the pinnacle of their success like the subjects covered on VH1 such as Mary J. Blige, Jennifer Lopez, and P Diddy.

Unsung also serves as a cautionary tale to those wanting to crack into the music industry of what not to do when you make it big. For example, if you are getting introduced to drugs and alcohol on the Hollywood scene and are tempted to partake, then one might want to look at the stories of Sly Stone and DeBarge, who are still suffering the mental, physical, and financial consequences of decades of decadence and drug addiction. David Ruffin paid with his life. If you are a group or duo and you want to keep your group together, than you can look at the stories of Arrested Development, Shalamar, and Atlantic Starr who all disbanded at one time because of infighting and conflicts over leadership, money and creative differences. Some of the members of these groups are not even on speaking terms.

The documentary show also shows you how demonic the music industry can be on artists who have fell victim to the corporate giant. 80’s soul diva, Vesta Williams shared her heartbreaking story of how her record company never fully got behind her albums because she was “too soulful” and possibly too heavy and how it led to a feeling of rejection and abandonment that she could never fully shake. Williams was never allowed to have the pop crossover success like her other 80’s soul contemporaries Anita Baker, Sade, and her then label mate Janet Jackson. Williams even claims that the money that was made off her records was put behind a “different artist”. Could that “artist” have been Janet Jackson? Tragically, Williams died shortly after she taped her interviews for the show.

Freddie Jackson fell victim to his record label and production company taking a majority of his money. Phyllis Hyman never got the push and attention at her record label because Arista Records executives began to focus on their primary divas Aretha Franklin, Dionne Warwick, and then newcomer Whitney Houston who execs felt had more crossover appeal. George Clinton, leader of Parliament Funkadellic and a Rock And Roll Hall of Fame recipient has to still tour a majority of the year, not because he loves to but because of financial necessity. He signed over his publishing rights to his music years ago to fund his groundbreaking yet expensive tours and to pay his band members. George Clinton’s music is some of the most sampled music in hip-hop. However, the funk pioneer cannot reap the rewards of his harvest, instead those royalties go to his first record company that he signed the rights to (Clinton has appealed and fought unsuccessfully to overturn this court decision).

Unsung also shows variety in their selections. It is not just one genre of music that they focus on. Die hard hip-hop fans can find out what happened to The Fat Boys, Kool Moe Dee, and Big Daddy Kane, while hard core blues and soul artists can be entertained and enlightened by the stories of Millie Jackson and Bobby Womack, who would never get media attention on MTV, VH1, and even BET. Funkateers like myself can find out what happened to Parliament, Bootsy, The Ohio Players and The BarKays. Even gospel artists such as The Clark Sisters get their stories told on the show. There is something for everyone.

Unsung also shows that just because you were on Motown, arguably the most famous record label in history, it did not guarantee that you were going to reach superstar status. Just ask Mary Wells, The Marvelletes, and Teena Marie. The Marvelletes who put the label on the map by giving Motown their first gold record, got lost in the shuffle when other artist such The Supremes, Stevie Wonder, The Temptations, and The Jackson Five became the label’s primary focus. The group even lost their name when a greedy producer stole the name from under them and developed a copycat group of Marvelletes that contained no original members. Lead singer, Gladys Horton, who tried to reform the band in the 90s, could not even do so because the producer of the copycat band threatened to sue her. Many of Horton’s friends and family members would argue that this would lead to Gladys’s death, because she ultimately died from the stress and strain of it all or even from a broken heart. Tragic indeed.

Unsung is a show that keeps on giving. It puts forgotten artist back in the limelight, who some of us even hardcore music fans may have forgotten. I wonder what the show does to sells of artist records and concert shows, when their episodes premier. As the current season comes to close, us diehard music fans are already wanting more and anticipating who will be on the next season. Thank you TvOne for shining the light on these artists who would otherwise go unnoticed. Keep the good stories coming.

Gilly’s Favorite Unsung Episodes:
1. DeBarge
2. Donny Hathaway
3. Zapp
4. David Ruffin
5. The Marvelettes
6. Arrested Development
7. Tami Terrell
8. Minnie Riperton
9. The Sylvers
10. Con Funk Shun
11. Freddie Jackson
12. Atlantic Starr
13. Vesta Williams
14. Bootsy
15. Parliament Funkadellic
16. Deniece Williams


Suggested Artist For Future Unsung Episodes:
1. Midnight Star
2. Kashif
3. Slave
4. L.T.D/Jeffrey Osborne
5. Grover Washington Jr.
6. Lisa Fischer
7. The Brothers Johnson
8. Mtume
9. Grand Master Flash
10. Lauryn Hill (Hill had major success indeed, but her personal demons and success has derailed her music career. She has yet to reach the heights of her debut album that is why she is Unsung)
11. DeAngelo
12. The Jones Girls
13. The Emotions
14. SOS Band
15. Tevin Campbell
16. Vanity 6
17. The Time (I doubt Morris will participate as I am sure he will say he is not “Unsung”
18. Johnny “Guitar” Watson
19. ZZ Hill
20. Walter Hawkins and The Hawkins Singers
21. Guy
22. Another Bad Creation
23. Bobby Brown
24. Kris Kross
25. The Fugees
26. Shirley Murdock
27. Yarbrough & Peoples
28. Cheryl Lynn
29. SWV
30. Mary Jane Girls
31. Jodeci
32. Soul II Soul
33. Sister Sledge
34. Cameo
35. The Stylistics




Which artist do you feel are Unsung? There are so many.

Necessarily Narcissistic

Necessarily Narcissistic

“So about me…so back to me!”

This is the response or action you get from someone who is so stuck on themselves, you can have a whole phone conversation with them and they have no idea as to what you are talking about. They have the “its all about me” mantra that live by so arrogantly that they interject themselves into every aspect of your life. Sound familiar yet?

A narcissistic person is someone who suffers from an excessive love or admiration of him or herself. It can also be a vain or self-centered person. For example I think of Blanche Devereaux from The Golden Girls or Ragine Hunter and Kyle Barker from Living Single. Remember how they made every small problem MAJOR? I remember a particular episode of Golden Girls when Blanche went to a class reunion and came back all depressed because she felt all her classmates were prettier than her. Ragine on Living Single broke up with a boyfriend because on his night to shine at an art exhibit, he was not paying any attention to her. Kyle was so offended by his drivers license picture that he went down to the DMV three times for his picture to retaken. This is vanity at its best. Sometimes I would cringe when an episode focused on these characters because I knew how dramatic the entire episode would be and how whiney these characters would get (even though I loved these shows and characters). But art does imitate life. How many of you see those characters and go “Oh that is (insert your friend or relative here).
This is an illness if you ask me. I know quite a few people who suffer from it. It comes in all shapes, sizes, and in different types of people. We live in a world where it is all about me, and nobody else.

Have you ever met someone who is so narcissistic that they begin to get really, really bold? Meaning that because they are so stuck on themselves they feel they have a right to interject their opinions and beliefs into your business? They feel justified because they have “wisdom” or their accomplishments give them credibility to tell you how you should live your life. I can recall talking to someone and telling them about all the good things that have been happening to me, and this person did not even give a response. They began to talk about something else. What I was talking about was not even worth their time. Yet, when I begun to talk about something of interest to this person, they were attentive and alert then, because it was gossip or talk of money or power. Do you all know someone like this?

A narcissistic person will call people and tell them what they need to do or act as if they are doing you a favor by talking to you and you should feel honored that they are gracing you with their attention. How sad. It is even gotten to a point that people do not even check in with each other because they are too busy doing them or being them that they cannot be bothered.

You see this more with people of status or people with a little money. They begin to believe their own hype. They hype themselves up to be more than who they are. Whether a person is comparing him or herself to some higher power or authority figure, or having pictures upon pictures on walls with them and them alone, there are dozens of examples of this. They come around you and drop all types of hints to get you to begin talking about him or her. They begin talking about all their accomplishments or say or do some random thing to elicit a response from you. It just goes on and on.

I call these types of people necessarily narcissistic because they feel like they have to be this way to get attention. If it is not all about them, then it’s over. Whether they are creating drama for everyone else or trying to be the center of the drama there is always something going on these people’s lives that command everyone’s attention.

Necessarily Narcissistic Behaviors:

1. A person who refers to him/herself as idyllic figure or person
2. Always describes him or herself as “beautiful” or “sexy” and gets mad or sad if you do not refer to them as that.
3. EVERY problem is a MAJOR PROBLEM no matter how small.
4. Their time is more important than yours.
5. Demands that you give your undivided attention.
6. Interjects him/herself in other people’s business because they feel you need their wisdom.
7. Displays consistent weird or negative behavior just to get attention or for a reaction.
8. Gets angry or defensive when other people’s opinions differ from theirs.
9. Constantly using big word or phrases to appear to be the smartest person in the room.
10. Uses his/her intelligence as a way to hurt or lash out at people.
11. Throws a tantrum if you do not give in to his/her wishes.
12. Talks about EVERYBODY when their lives are a mess.
13. Has self-portraits or large photos of him/herself all over their home.
14. Wants everyone to refer to them as #1 (I.E “sexy”, “queen”, “buff”, “the greatness”) some will not even answer you if you do not.
15. Expects you to drop everything and listen to them or help them, even when you have something going on in your life.

If you know someone who meets all of these characteristics, than you are dealing with a necessarily narcissistic person. Maybe you have a husband or a wife boyfriend or girlfriend who never bends or compromises it is always about them, their feelings, and their needs. You should just understand.

It is time out for this immature behavior. Life cannot always be about you, you, and you. Leave some scraps for others. You do not always have to shine or dim somebody’s light so that your light can shine brighter. It is time for us to begin to support each other more. It takes a truly confident person to celebrate someone else’s achievements while celebrating his or her own.

And This Is Important Because...?

This just in: Robert Patterson scratched his nose at LAX! Jennifer Anniston bought a bottle of generic shampoo!!

Sounds ridiculous does it not? It seems like recently, we have been bombarded with useless and pointless celebrity news that ultimately does not affect any of us in our personal lives. Yet every time we turn on the news or the entertainment shows, we see stories like this. There have been so many stories about the sad love lives of Kristen Stewart and Robert Patterson, Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes. These stars cannot even go to the store without the media making a big deal of that. It seems like these stories have gone too far. It is crazy how far we have gotten from celebrating talent and achievements. We now live in an age where we celebrate gossip, negative behavior, and indulgences. This now translates into our personal lives. We do a lot of gossiping and celebrating negative energy and negative thoughts.

I am sure when Kristen Stewart got into the entertainment industry she wanted her talents and her gifts to be the focus. Now she will be known as the girl who slept with her married boss. Was she wrong, yes but is the only person to make this mistake? The crazy thing to me is that we actually see on news shows panelist discussing this like it a recession or some type of national tragedy. It would be one thing to see the headlines like the ones you see labeled on top on just the tabloids, but now they are being scattered on national news media outlets and our local news.

I remember once when shows that had the words “Entertainment” in them were actually about entertainment: talking about movie premiers, a album’s release, and getting inside of the creative energy of our artists and getting their stories. Now we are subjected to such ridiculous stories as “What was Brad Pitt doing at the .99 Cent Only Store?” WHO CARES? Why is this entertainment? I think we need to stop calling these shows entertainment. At least TMZ is honest in their approach. Their purpose is just about getting dirt. I just think it is ridiculous how far this has gone. Not only do we focus on such salacious scandalous headlines, but also again we celebrate reality stars that are not famous for anything but being ignorant and raunchy. What message is that sending to the artist and legends that had to work so hard to get where they needed to be?

I think we are sending the wrong message to our young artist who wants to crack into the entertainment industry. It is all about whom you are dating, what drug you are using, and whatever other negative behavior is being celebrated. Why don’t we flip the script and stop talking about those headlines especially for those who are doing these negative things just to keep themselves in the media? Quit feeding into it. It is much like mass shooters and criminal minds who commit criminal acts to gain notoriety; a lot of these new celebrities are doing the same thing. A lot of these reality stars such as Spencer Montag and Snooki love the attention they get. They want their fifteen minutes. Why do we continue to honor that?

Let look at celebrities such as Aretha Franklin, Stevie Wonder, Robert Dinero, and Clint Eastwood. While yes, every now and then their personal lives are discussed, a majority of their media focus has been on their professional lives not their personal lives. I applaud Robert Dinero for being able to maintain somewhat of a private life and refusing to talk about it. You cannot have it both ways, you cannot appear on a reality show with your spouse then when the marriage tanks, you go “That is private!” So on some level, some of these celebrities who are constantly in the public outlet have themselves to blame for the media scrutiny because there are some celebrities like Robert Dinero and Jack Nickelson who keep their private lives private while maintaining superstardom.

I really think that is time to go back to that golden age where we focus on the art. As I continue to make a name for myself in the writing world, I do want the focus to be my writing but I want to maintain privacy. If a personal story can inspire someone than I will share it, but you have to leave some level of privacy for yourself. With all that is going on this world, we need to focus on the issues that affect us all, not the romantic trials and tribulations of our celebrities. Let’s get back in focus.

Age 35: Ba Da Ba Da Ba I'm Loving It!

Age 35: Ba Da Ba Da Ba I’m Loving It!

Someone once told me or I believe I heard it on Oprah one day that as you get older and closer to the age of 40 you stop caring so much what people think of you. I saw that and was thinking when would that happen for me? I think I have found that moment. I was blessed to turn 35 last week. As I reflected on my age, I reflected back on all the things that I was doing to please others. In some circles, I would be afraid to speak my opinion and tell the truth because I wanted to please those around me. As some of you can relate, I would be afraid to also admit failures and flaws for fear of judgment and criticism. You carry a lot of stuff inside of you because you are afraid of what others think of you especially your friends and the people that you look up to.
Somehow as you get older, that slowly but surely begins to fade. I know it has for me. I began to think why should I hold back on things that I feel or believe? I do not feel it necessary to continue to try and please everybody, because you obviously cannot. Even if you do everything right, you will still find those who complain about what you are doing. Up until recently, I would be too afraid to tell people what I was going through because past situations have indicated that people would judge me. Who cares? There is really nothing they can do to you. Also as you are in your thirties and late twenties, a lot of older adults still do not respect your opinions and thoughts because you are not on their level yet. You are still often talked to as a child, and told to do things without being asked or given, the option to say “no”. Of course you do not want to be disrespectful of your elders but that does not mean you have to be a doormat and just do everything you are told (More to come on this in my upcoming book). You have earned your right and place in this world so now you can speak on the things that you believe.
As I turned 35, I just got a new level of confidence. I no longer worry as much about what others think of me and what I am doing because my destiny is not tied to them. I am not saying that I turned 35 and then I just suddenly changed. The confidence was slowly simmering over this past year like a crock-pot, then when my birthday hit BAM it just got a little easier.
You do find those adults who have this larger than life personality and have a lot of opinions and can be a little intimidating. That is okay. You do not have to bow down to them either. Do not let these type of people put you in the background. Also as your opinions grow, do not become that person either. Know how to use your opinions and views wisely. Also as you get older you begin to speak more on the things that bother you and on the people who annoy you. I no longer feel the need to hold back on those issues as the book I just wrote proves that. I do find myself being more honest and open. Am I at 100% with it? No, of course not. I would say I more like at a 65 to 70% but for a long time I was at a 20 to 30% with no chance of increase. I think the things that I been through and the things that I have accomplished have increased my confidence and survival skills to give me the voice that I had been lacking for so long.
I happily embrace thirty-five. I no longer feel discouraged because I am not where some of my peers are financially and professionally. At this age, I am still kicking butt metaphorically speaking. I am going out there and getting mine and will continue to do so, despite what anyone thinks. Some may not agree with my decisions and my opinions but that is okay, that is what makes this world such an interesting place. I no longer feel the need to hold back on some of the opinions that I was too afraid to speak on.
So as you get older, you get wiser. What will you do with that wisdom? Will you be too afraid to use it or will you stand up and be heard? You have accomplished so much and been through so much, you deserve to do so.

Pressure Cookin!

Pressure Cooking That Comes With Age

Last week, I celebrated my 35th birthday. I can remember so clearly when my parents were that age and thirty-five seemed so far away for us children. I remember the show Thirtysomething about all the people in their 30s who did nothing but whine about their problems or so I thought. I used to always go, “I do not want to turn 35! I do not want be grown up like these people!” Well that was the 80s; I am fast-forwarding to passion, pain, excitement, thrills, sadness, depression, and love or to summarize LIFE.

I am in that thirty something group now. I have learned a lot and have made some mistakes along the way. I think as you turn 35 a lot of people expect you to have been married for at least five to ten years with two children and be well established in your professional and personal goals. If you are not accomplished in those areas, you are considered weird, a failure, and altogether different. Society has defined so many standards that if you do not measure up to them, you do feel like a failure. As I celebrate my birthday, I happily embrace those failures. For me, this is no easy feat.

Up until recently, I was caught up in feeling sorry for myself because I felt life was not advancing as quickly as I had hoped. I was feeling a lot of pressure to be successful for the haters who told me I would not make it. I felt like I needed validation from everyone and everybody. I remember coming home from an event a few weeks ago really feeling the pressure because I felt like nothing was going right. I was down to my last few dollars, and my job was not doing what I had hoped. I let the enemy get me. I felt like here I am at 35 and what have I accomplished? I began to feel the pressure and the heat. I was feeling as if everything was in vain. I almost thought about giving up my writing. I had a very sleepless night….

But that is not how the story ended, the next morning God shifted me and referred back to the book that I had read before I had relocated to Los Angeles. The book, It’s Your Time by Joel Osteen. I went back to it and went to all the highlighted parts that I had read over the course of the book. It spoke to me. Then one Sunday, Pastor Wayne said that one way God speaks to you is through his word. I believe God was speaking to me through Joel Osteen not at that moment, but that time before I relocated to the west coast. There was some key points that I now get were preparing me for the season I recently encountered. These were points that I knew God was trying to get me to realize. Things that I needed to hear to let me know that I was okay and I was moving right along in the journey that he sent me on. Some of those key points were:

“Whenever life grows difficult and the pressure is turned up, that is a sign that your time is near. When lies bombard your mind, when you are most tempted to get discouraged, and when you feel like throwing in the towel-that is not the time to give up. That is not the time to back down. That is the time to dig in your heels. Put on a new attitude. You are closer than you think.”

That would explain all the pressure that I have been feeling lately the sleepless nights, the financial problems, and the bouts of low self-esteem, now it makes sense to me. There was a lot of pressure on me and now I know why and where it was coming from. God was testing my strength and my resolve to continue on with my dream despite the adversity and fears.

“Yes this is the greatest attack that I have ever been through, but I know it means that I’m headed for the greatest victory that I have ever seen.”

“Don’t believe the ‘never’ lies. God says, “Your time is coming.” Maybe you were counting on the people to give you breaks. You were good to them. You went out of your way to help them succeed. Understand your destiny is not tied to them.”
This is how I know when God speaks to you. That difficult night before, I was telling myself the “never” lies. I was telling myself, “I will never be a successful writer.” “I will never get published.” “I will never be validated.” “I will never get over these strongholds that have been holding me down for so long.” For me to see that the next morning, I knew that it was nothing but God and I knew that my time was soon coming. I also had felt discouraged because I felt like there were a lot of people who were not offering me the support that I thought I deserved. I was angry because some people dismiss my dreams. There are those who I feel just do not care but as Pastor Osteen said my destiny is not tied to them. I do not need those people to be successful. I have to move on from those people. Recently, I found out a friend of mine who has never asked really about the work I am doing was also talking behind my back telling me to quit focusing on my book and to “get a job”. Again, my destiny is not tied to them. I do not need them for my success lies with a higher power. I think to all the friends who never ask me what is going on and how my dream is coming along. I attempt to tell them about it, and they either disregard it or ask, “How is the job going?” At times, that can be hurtful because you get encouragement from motivation and support. What I have learned is that I cannot take it personal those people who are unwilling to encourage is not personal for you. It is personal for them. Either they are guided by that Fool’s Paradise thinking that success is related to money and material gain or jealousy because they were too afraid to step out and pursue their dreams, now they are doing the safe thing. So when you get those “haters”, know they are hating usually for those two reasons.

I took all the highlighted points from Osteen’s book and typed them up and called them, “It’s Your Time – Needed Motivators” Because I need them. Whenever I feel those negative thoughts coming on, or a hardship comes my way, I pull those needed motivators out. It is amazing how our minds can get us to embrace negative energy a lot more than positive energy. I let that night really get me down. I know what God has in store for me. Just because I am 35 and have not accomplished all that some my age have accomplished does not mean anything. There are those who are younger than me or who are doing far worse. It can always be a lot worse. As we get older, we do tend to get more discouraged when we reflect instead of looking at all the things that God has seen us through. I say it all the time the quote from Mary J. Blige, “There are so many things that are used as vessels to get us where we need to be in life.” I truly believe that. So I am very grateful for the highs and lows that I have endured over the last few years, the setbacks and the failures are all part of the story of my life that has yet to be told. So I am still pushing and so should you. Failure is not an option. Mistakes are inevitable. Success is almost guaranteed. So keep on celebrating the person that God created you to be.